I debated opening this post like I did the Gordan Ramsay frozen meal review with the sentiment, “I’m going into this wanting Guy Fieri to succeed!”
Nah – I mean, I did actually go into this wanting Guy Fieri to succeed. But the kindest thing I can for your pocketbooks is tell you to save your cash.
Before I even get started, let me to preface this review/roast by saying I am a long-time Guy Fieri fan. I’ve seen every episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives 2-3 times. I own a Guy Fieri sweatshirt that I bought myself. Once I wrote an ode to Guy’s Grocery Games. Friday night in our household will always be Food Network Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives rerun night. I bow down to how he’s brought the Top Chef and Food Network worlds together. I have a Safia Nygaard-dining-at-his-Vegas-restaurant-wearing-a-flames-shirt-level of enthusiasm for him.
Each meal from Walmart costs $6 ($5.94 to be exact). If you have $6, spend it on anything else.
Literally, anything else.
You’d be better served just buying a loaf of bread and some peanut butter. Or a rotisserie chicken. Or Taco Bell. Any other food would serve you better than spending $6 on one of these meals.
I’ll start with the least offensive meal, moving to the possible hate crime:
Cheesy Chicken Enchilada Bowl
This bowl, which I’ll just refer to as “the bowl” is the least offensive of the four meals.
The flavor of the enchilada sauce is actually good. And unlike some of the others, there’s less visible oil floating on the surface. But the flavor becomes one-note and the texture, mush. Even the appealing-looking tortilla strips turn to mush in the microwave.
There’s a decent amount of chicken, though you may not want to eat much of it. I found it dry and chewy.
Edible, bordering on pleasant, but still not worth your $6.
Cheesy Lasagna with Pepperoni
Lasagna, along with a turkey dinner, is one of the frozen meals that is typically the least effed up.
There’s only so much you can do to make noodles, tomato sauce and cheese completely inedible.
This meal is edible but that doesn’t mean it’s good.
Right away, I didn’t like the smell. DRIED OREGANO IN YOUR FACE. That’s all I smelled wafting from the microwave.
The noodles have a good texture and the pepperoni tastes fine. But just because there’s a lot of cheese doesn’t mean that it tastes good.
I didn’t like the flavor or texture of the sauce s- somehow it tasted both too salty and too watery.
If this meal is all I had brought to work for lunch, I would finish it out of hunger. But if I had something else like a desk clementine or cashews, I’d eat those instead.
Sloppy Joe Mac & Cheese
We’re entering the gross territory.
The concept of sloppy joe filling X mac makes sense.
Let’s get the good out of the way first – the texture of the curly noodles was great.
Now, for the bad: There was a trace element of sloppy joe, yet an abundance of an oily red sheen that could have been grease or sloppy joe sauce.
I recall finding two tiny pebbles of meat.
The cheese sauce has a fake-cheese note – which could be both good or bad.
I didn’t want to eat more than a few bites and stared at the leftovers, feeling bad at the thought of feeding them to my child. I couldn’t do it.
Sweet and Sour Pork
If you simply read me the names of the meals, I would be most excited about this one.
This is by far the most dissapointing of the four, and unappealing frozen meal I’ve encountered possibly ever.
Look at it.
Smushy, watery rice.
A cloying, single-note sauce.
Damp chunks of pineapple.
Plain, fatty shredded pork with hardly any seasoning – worse than what someone with dementia would bring to a Midwest church basement potluck.
Possibly similar to what Harry Solomon from 3rd Rock from the Sun might prepare, having never actually tasted sweet and sour pork before, but having only seen a faded photo from an old Betty Crocker microwave cookbook from the 80’s that was floating around as space trash.
I still love Guy Fieri.
It’s just that I can not advise that anyone actually spend $6 on any of these meals. Most of us are cringing at the inflated grocery store prices – please save your $6 for something else.