There’s a few things I want to say about this season of The Bachelorette.
(This may sound familiar if you follow me on Twitter).
If I was the Bachelorette. . .
- Everyone named Luke has to go home immediately.
- Peter never makes it past the first episode.
- If one of the contestants made an entrance having the producers deliver him in a big box during the intro episode, I would simply not open the box.
- Anyone who introduces themself with “I’m king of the jungle and I’m hoping we can change your title to My Queen” has to leave immediately because Cersei takes no kings.
- But if he introduces himself with his mouth full of a hotdog that he’s eating, he gets to stay because I’d probably do that too.
- I would turn the first group date into a Chopped competition where Alex Guarnaschelli and I are the only judges. The theme would be nachos.
- All of the solo dates would take place in a spa and begin with 90-minute massages. Any attempt at romantically switching places with the professional massage therapist will be considered voluntary terminations.
- At least one group date would be a Quickfire Challenge where everyone has to make a different type of bruschetta. There will be no Last Chance Kitchen.
- Some of the group dates will be technical challenges that I’d kick off by screeching, “ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, BAKE!”
