Today’s guest post is brought to you by my cousin Brian Dahlen who lives on the South Side of Chicago with his wife and four young children.
Brian is responsible for Friday suppers. He recently confessed to measuring out exactly six cups of water when making boxed macaroni and cheese and alluded to knowing how to make the perfect frozen pizza, so I invited him to share all 13 of his pizza-making secrets with photographic evidence.
I’m not a chef. I’m not a cook either. But I’m a self-professed master of the frozen food arts.
Many culinary experts quickly dismiss frozen foods, and yet I guarantee they all make them. Frozen foods are what everyone makes when they don’t feel like cooking or eating out. Tragically, I’ve watched many good cooks completely butcher a frozen meal. They laugh-off the disgusting results and blame the food. I think we all know whose fault it is.
I’m here to stop the madness.
While I won’t reveal all of my frozen food preparation secrets, I’ll share the fundamentals needed to prepare the most popular of all freezer meals: The frozen pizza.
Brace yourself. Here’s my 13 step frozen pizza secret recipe:
- STEP #1: Remove the battery from your kitchen smoke detector. My technique is guaranteed to set that thing off. At least once. So either get ready to scare your family, or just take out the battery. Only truly good frozen pizza chefs know about this step.
- STEP #2: Don’t even think about making a DiGiorno. If you’re paying any more than $4.00 for a frozen pizza, you might as well just order one or go out for dinner. Be a cheapskate like me and buy one from Aldi. I like their Mama Cozzi’s Rising Crust pizza. Note the label on the front of the box that says “Real Cheese”. That’s the best kind of cheese.
- STEP #3: Flip over the box and look at the directions. Someone put them there for a reason. Just because you’re a good cook doesn’t mean that you’re better than these directions. You’re not. Only masters of the frozen food arts know how to adjust these instructions. Keep reading and you’ll see.
- STEP #4: Preheat the oven to the prescribed temperature (Review step #3 for more information).
- STEP #5: Open two boxes of pizza. Everyone knows that one frozen pizza isn’t enough food for everyone.
- STEP #6: Place both pizzas directly onto the oven rack. Don’t believe anyone that tells you about the magical powers of pizza stones or cookie sheets. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Those things will ruin your pizza. (Note: if you skipped step #1, it’s time to reconsider your terrible decision)
- STEP #7: This is where it gets tricky. Set your timer for half of the maximum required time on the back of the box. Don’t ask questions yet. Just do it.
- STEP #8: When the custom time from step #7 has elapsed, find two spatulas. After opening the oven, use both spatulas to rotate each pizza 180°. This will keep the outside edges from burning and it will make you instantly respect my spatula skills.
- STEP #9: Grab a calculator. This part gets pretty intense. Determine the remaining cooking time from the back of the box, and subtract two minutes. Set your timer for this newly calculated numerical value, and try to resist turning on the oven light. Doing so only casts doubt on my masterful technique.
- STEP #10: When the remaining time has elapsed, do not remove the pizzas from the oven. This would be a rookie mistake. Instead, turn on the broiler to 500 degrees. Yup – the broiler.
- STEP #11: Don’t get nervous. There are no pre-determined cooking times here. Instead, check the pizza once per minute. Only when you’ve got some nice golden spots on the cheese is your pizza ready to be removed from the oven. Skipping this essential broiler maneuver will only result in cheese that isn’t totally melted.
- STEP #12: Don’t even think about cutting it yet. Do you really want to ruin your pizza? For goodness sake, just wait a few minutes. My wife’s family has carried on this patient strategy for decades. They call it waiting for the cheese to “congeal”. Why question this time tested idea? Premature cutting will demolish the delicately thin layer of “Real Cheese” on your pizza.
- STEP #13: Add a generous dash of crushed red pepper to each slice prior to consumption. This will remove any remaining frozen pizza flavor.
I’ve successfully executed this procedure on frozen pizza dozens of times. If it doesn’t work, it’s all your fault.
Brian Dahlen hosts a weekday morning show for Moody Radio in Cleveland, Ohio. He also co-hosts the “Brian and Kathleen Podcast” and blogs at www.briandahlen.com
Oh my goodness. This is GENIUS!!!! And I am sure it is a tried and true recipe. After all–the man has 4 kids, right? They would certainly not be thriving if this pizza magic did not occur on Friday nights. I love the calculator step (does he know me?) and am definitely going to try this the next time I have one of those frozen lovelies to prepare! Thanks, Brian, for a couple of laughs and a new way to cook pizza. I will attempt to not burn myself on step 8 but no promises.
I think he has a lot of practice:) I haven’t been to Aldi’s for five years so I’ll have to try one of their pizzas. I’m so thankful he took the time to guest post.
I LOVE this! I bet waiting to cut it keeps you from burning the roof of your mouth, too!
I loved this guest post! It made me smile and laugh the whole time! And how true about the cheese not melting all the way – I’ll have to try the broiler method at the end of the cooking time.
Great post !!!!!
i thought step one would be pray and wait for it to happen
The Real Person!
I think you are supposed to do that after step six.
Now this is my kind of cooking!! 🙂 what a great guest post! And I must say, #12 is one of the most important rules: if you don’t follow the rest, at least let the pizza sit before you cut it!! That’s always been my rule when cooking frozen pizza.
I’ll have to give you’re other steps a try! 🙂
The Real Person!
It was fun to collaborate with Brian. I have to confess, I’m too lazy to attempt the boiling step.
Is “boiling” instead of “broiling” a typo or a joke?
The Real Person!
Typo! Thanks for letting me know- will fix that.
I have a question: what if your broiler is separate from your oven, our is a separate door below the main oven? Do I take the pizza out and move it to the broiler – or just crank the oven up to 500 to melt & brown the cheese?
That’s a difficult situation, Jess. My first instinct would be to tell you to get a new oven. But I suppose that’s not practical. I’ve never tried the broiler step using a drawer – so you’d have to try at your own risk. But maybe cranking up the temp as you suggest might work? Let me know how it goes!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment 🙂
If I weren’t renting, I would be tempted to get a new oven, that’s how dedicated to making the perfect frozen pizza I am. 🙂 I tried just cranking the oven up and that worked great. I am still curious about transferring to a separate broiler, so I’ll try that next time. And let’s be honest, it will be within a week.
The Real Person!
I have to confess, I’m too lazy to do the broiler method-I will try cranking up the oven too.
You missed the step where you add a bunch of meat, cheese, mushrooms, and olives to the skimpy toppings provided by the frozen pizza company.
Way to go, Brian! Thanks for sharing your pizza – making tips. Fun post, Jenni!
The Real Person!
Thanks Suzy!
I seriously, seriously did not believe this would work, After reading a few comments, I decided to try it out. I would always use a pizza pan or aluminum foil to place my pizza on. After trying the rack tonight, I’m never doing that again with frozen pizza!
Your instructions were clear and easy to follow, and I will be buying more frozen pizza with no worries now! Great job and great tips!
The Real Person!
I am going to pass your feedback to my cousin Brian. He will be thrilled! Trying to get him to write more food posts.
I’ve never done the broiler! Hmm. Now we need to hear how to deal with the bits of real cheese and teeny pieces of sausage that fall off and blacken on the bottom of the oven. Is baking soda sprinkled on it the best option? My mother-in-law obtained a professional baking rack (tiny mesh tray) that works just as well as putting it directly on the rack but it leaves the oven cleaner. But she doesn’t know where she got it so I can’t duplicate it!
The Real Person!
That’s always the most challenging part about baking pizzas right on the oven rack. Crispy crust, but you get some smoke. Honestly, I’ve never tried baking soda. I just kind of let them smoke away. I love your idea of a tiny mesh tray. This will help a lot!
Just put a sheet of foil paper at the bottom and take it out once the pizza is ready. Clean and easy!
The Real Person!
Thanks for the tip! Will try this.
I always drop the temperature 50° from what the instructions say. Then i cook it for half the time, revolve it half way around and add a couple minutes or so. Perfect. Otherwise, it’ll just burn on the edges and be half cooked in the middle.
The Real Person!
Thanks for the suggestion! Will try.
This WORKS! Until today my frozen pizzas always had a crust as tough as leather. Ewwww! Never again tho, thanks!!
The Real Person!
I’m so happy it worked. Brian’s a pro!
Wow, great guide. Not only for the instructions but for the laughs while reading.
The Real Person!
So glad you enjoyed.
What is you DO use a Digiorno’s pizza? Any extra tips there? Also, what if you are cooking a solo meal? Do you still follow the same instructions for one pizza? I know it’s a mouthful but if you could help me out that would be great.
Thank you! Although I DID just bake a DiGiorno–sorry! I still find them to be the best frozen pizza around, price be darned. ? Aldi just appeared in my neighborhood about a year 1/2 ago–still haven’t checked it out. Thanks for the great tips! ?
The Real Person!
Ha! No shame:) I haven’t had an Aldi pizza in forever – time to revisit those to compare. We keep trying different grocery store brands and have been somewhat disappointed.
If you like thin crust, I just came up with something. Use a flour tortilla as a pizza crust. High oven heat, like 450. Coat one side of the tortilla ( I like the extra soft ones in burrito size ) with olive oil by pouring it on and spreading around with a cooking brush or the back of a spoon. Then put the tortilla oil side down on a cookie sheet. Top the tortilla with sauce, cheese, toppings. Bake it until done. The olive oil basically fries the tortilla while the pizza toppings bake. Delicious.
The Real Person!
thanks for sharing! Will have to try this.
I’ve done the same thing with PITA bread.
WOW,,,broiler and rotate,.,,
This may sound simple, and it is but it really is a good idea,,,Thankyou!
Nicely done!
The Real Person!
My cousin’s a pizza genius. It really helps!
I know this is a very old post, but I was wondering if I should make any changes when using a Toaster Oven?
I don’t like using the full oven (too much wasted heat/energy). I find my Toaster (Confection) Oven also cooks slightly faster. I never cook the full time listed on the box because it will over-cook.
(I’ve always put the pizza directly on the rack and rotated my pizza halfway through, but the “Broiler” step is new. Determining when to switch to it is the issue.)
The Real Person!
That is a good question. I don’t have a lot of experience using toaster ovens so I don’t want to direct you the wrong way. Rotating it is a great tip, though!
Nice one. I’ve been using this exact method for a decade now. The only thing I don’t do is rotate. I’ve seen the way other people make frozen pizza and it makes me want to vomit. ^^;
The Real Person!
The broiling step makes a huge difference! I don’t rotate either.
This was entertaining
Great article, however, let’s be real, pizza stones are a game changer. Simply put, if you get snobby and think they are malarkey, you’re missing out big time. That said, if your an unfortunate sap that doesn’t have all the right equipment, following most of those steps will get you within an earshot of the magnificent pizza stone at least.
The instructions are vague at the step where you turn the broiler on….okay what is confusing to me is the instructions on the box says to put pizza on the middle or second rack to the bottom, but using a broiler, mine is on the very top, I would think broiler used to melt and crispy the crust, so that’s where I am getting lost, so should I just skip instruction on box and cook under broiler and when it comes time to just turn the broiler on, or will turning broiler on do the trick or will it make the oven cooler, I would think in my most situation just turning oven to 500° might do the trick?
Oops, how long to wait for cooling of the pizza before slicing into it?