Category: Television

There’s a few things I want to say about this season of The Bachelorette. 

(This may sound familiar if you follow me on Twitter).

If I was the Bachelorette. . . 

• Everyone named Luke has to go home immediately.
• Peter never makes it past the first episode.
• If one of the contestants made an entrance having the producers deliver him in a big box during the intro episode, I would simply not open the box.
• Anyone who introduces themself with “I’m king of the jungle and I’m hoping we can change your title to My Queen” has to leave immediately because Cersei takes no kings.
• But if he introduces himself with his mouth full of a hotdog that he’s eating, he gets to stay because I’d probably do that too.
• I would turn the first group date into a Chopped competition where Alex Guarnaschelli and I are the only judges. The theme would be nachos. 
• All of the solo dates would take place in a spa and begin with 90-minute massages. Any attempt at romantically switching places with the professional massage therapist will be considered voluntary terminations.
• At least one group date would be a Quickfire Challenge where everyone has to make a different type of bruschetta. There will be no Last Chance Kitchen.
• Some of the group dates will be technical challenges that I’d kick off by screeching, “ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, BAKE!”

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