I narrowly escaped the jaws of the Velocirapture.  And so I wish my fellow, un-raptured foodie sinners a happy May 22nd.

In childhood, the threat of a rapture lurked around every corner
As a child, the threat of a rapture lurked around every corner.  Left Behind books adorned every bookshelf.  One day, my little brother walked into an empty house while my parents and I were gone for various reasons, frightened the rapture had occurred on his way home.  I’d be a dirty lier if I denied having the same fear.

In middle school, my teacher showed an intensely dramatized video about the rapture in Bible class.  The sudden disappearance of people led to car and plane crashes.  Those who were left behind followed the Antichrist and his identifying tattoo procedure, or faced violence and gunfire.  After class, my friend and I sat in a corner, in stunned horror, whispering about the rapture.

In high school, I worked at a local Christian bookstore and shelved encyclopedia-sized series of apocalypse-themed books, audio books, games, charts, and software for adults and children.  Did you know you can also purchase an instructional book in case you are not raptured?

In college, I completed a summer internship at a New Orleans church a year after Hurricane Katrina.  One youth group demonstrated the aerodynamic complications of rapture whiplash, as they jumped into the air with their heads tilted to one side.  Damn gravity.

Our last dinner
I determined that I desired a Mexican last dinner from Midtown Global Market, while Jake preferred Ted Cook’s 19th Hole Barbecue.

La Sirena Gorda
Last year I ate the most delicious and spicy seafood soup from La Sirena Gorda, which alas, was not available this evening.  I chose ceviche instead.

Ceviche, single serving, $6.95

My takeout container held a large scoop of fresh, fish ceviche that sat on a corn tostada covered with a thin layer of a mayonnaise sauce.  The fish was firm and garnished with jalapeno, onion, cabbage, creamy avocado, and a slightly spicy red sauce.  I enjoyed the acidic balance of this ceviche and felt no desire for extra lime or salt.  Five, freshly fried corn chips adorned the fish.

Los Ocampos
Eating tacos in Mexico has ruined Chipotle for me.  I tried to eat carnitas tacos from Chipotle, post-Mexico, and made a face as I bit into soft, doughy, mealy-cheesed blandness.

Tacos al pastor, $5.97

Although nothing compares to the cripsy, rotating al pastor meat cones of Puebla, these tacos hit the spot. (I ordered three tacos and discovered I received four once I got home).  A soft, double layer of corn tortillas cradled the moist, griddled meat.  The accompanying red and green salsas were flavorful and packed a comfortable spiciness level.  On the way home, I guzzled a medium horchata, $2.25.

Simply garnished, baby!

I’ve come to prefer my tacos simply garnished with onion, cilantro, and lime.

Compared to the tacos al pastor at La Hacienda from Mercado Central, the meat was moister, cut into larger chunks, and missing a slight hint of sweetness.  My only minor criticism is that I felt the need to add pinch of salt to every taco (which seemed acceptable in Mexico).  I have no regrets about my last dinner choices as both the ceviche and tacos al pastor were satisfying.

Ted Cook’s 19th Hole Barbecue
Usually I would happily join Jake in a Ted Cook’s pig out, but felt an insatiable craving for tacos al pastor instead.  Ted Cook’s is included in our comfort food rotation and we adore their pork ribs covered in a spicy barbecue sauce.

Full rack of pork ribs meal, $20.10

Tonight, the ribs were especially tender.  I am a borderline barbecue snob in which I expect an authentic smoke ring and become irritated when the meat falls off the bone.  I want my meat firmly attached to the bone but easy to nibble off.  The spicy barbecue sauce is slightly sweet and vinegary.  Ribs ordered as part of a meal are blanketed in thin slices of fried potatoes whose texture varies from soggy to crispy.  As you can see, I delicately peeled back the potato layer to expose the ribs and felt oddly like a food surgeon.  I like to use the potatoes to wipe up every drop of sauce.

Large order of baked beans, $3.25, coleslaw and slice of bread

Jake always orders a large serving of tender baked beans.  I enjoy these beans because the sauce isn’t too sugary, tastes of garlic powder, and includes small bits of smoked meat.  Meals also arrive with a slice of soft bread and small cup of coleslaw.

As we shared our last dinner choices, we discussed such things as arriving at his cousin’s engagement party before six p.m. to avoid unmanned cars on the freeway and watched Lady Gaga’s Monster Ball.  Did anyone else notice that her dialogue between songs is reminiscent of Frau Farbissina of Austin Powers?

The next morning, we awoke to learn that New Zealand was still intact and hoped for an excuse to indulge in another last meal.

I kicked myself for putting off an article analysis in faux rapture anticipation.